Listen to the Beat

I used to wrote this....

Perfection in my Eyes

All I ever wanted was to be part of your heart,
And for us to be together, to never be apart.

No one else in the world can even compare,
You're perfect and so is this love that we share.

We have so much more than I ever thought we would,
I love you more than I ever thought I could.

I promise to give you all I have to give,
I'll do anything for you as long as I live.

In your eyes I see our present, our future and past,
By the way you look at me I know we will last.

I hope that one day you'll come to realize,
How perfect you are when seen through my eyes.

another one i used to write before..

Silence

I never asked for the sunshine
I never wanted the rain
I didn't ask for these feelings
And I never wanted this pain
I never asked for forever
I never wanted your lies
I never asked to be left with
These heart-wrenching cries
I didn't ask for the moon
I never wanted the air
I never asked you to love me
I never asked you to care
I never wanted to love you
I never wanted to fall
I never wanted to succumb
And give to you my all
I didn't ask for the world
Or for the heavens above
I never asked you for something
But I always longed for your love

*** i remember writing this imaging that i was so in love with someone but as i read it now...ya i felt that before..gosh! how i miss it too.......now i finally felt really feel what i write down....i want to have it again...

these few days i have been having this really bad headaches that i cant do my work well as a result its a little delay =( anyways, things are a little different again at home lately i mean my brother and his gf seems to be getting better or worse but bottom line they are still in talking terms. its funny because i honestly thought me and L will make it through it all cause if i compare ourselves with them we had so many chances to see and meet and even date but for them its only "behind the grass" heheim happy that they are still sort of together i know both of them love each other but because of someone. that same person just wnt stop hurting us ( my whole family) . its not fair that such people actually can be so up there enjoying while they just step on others like as if its alright to do so. i know that the bible said "love one other as i have loved you.." i know that verywell but why must they keep on hurting us when we NEVER do anything wrong. it all started back in Singapore..... but God has been good to my family really despite all this. too bad for me thought because i lost someone really dear to me becuase of those "blood suckers" who know nothing but hurt other people both in words and actions......i really miss him but i know i shouldnt anymore....im still praying for healing because all of this is so hard to bear but Thank God i have my family and friends and my faith though its really hard but im praying someday i will be okie and someday i can fix my broken heart....but the one thing that i used to hate but now my best friend will be time itself....i really hated time but now i understand that not everything can be deal with so harshly but you really need to think it hard and long and make yourself be aware of everything. its not easy because i want to fix it so much between us but he just give up...or did he? i wonder sometimes but i wish not to think about it because i know where i stand in his life after all...i know i will never forget him even if i try because he will always be part of my life....okie i better stop talking about him because i might not be able to sleep well again plus my head is hurting pa...i hope nothing is wrong with my brain really =( today, my bro and me went to our school to meet up with our PE2 teacher. we had our post test (midterm exam) we had to dance (ballet steps) it was not that hard but its not that easy too but at least we did it. we did well that our teacher told my brother that when there is a school event they will ask my brother to dance =) hehe im so happy for him =) he was so nerves but he made it through good for him indeed! then for our final test, we have to do ballroom dance plus the teacher will be video us while we dance! can you believe that?! me and my brother dancing the chacha or swing hehehe woah!! im so excited =D want to hear anything from me.....its so hard seriously....YOu know there are times i wish i can just text him or call him but thank God i m able to hold it good by not doing it because who knows maybe his new gf might not like it or he, himself doesntim just praying for more strenght and i always make myself busy but sadly there will be something that will always brings me back to him...from songs or something anything like numbers and when i do see or hear them it makes me miss him even more.......then i will always remember what his ex told me..that i should just "give up" because she knows him.........i guess... i think i better end this thinking about this will just make me sad plus my head is hurting again.. gosh! that Ian, who is courting me now. we were talking a few nights at wee hours and he told me that he loves me well i know he does but i told him if he is really true with what he is saying it i want him to prove it i told him that i dont want to believe in empty promises. if you really mean it just do it... then he told me that he knows and he said he does not wish to make me hope for something too because one when he finds a job overseas it will be a long distance relationship between us but he promised me though that no matter how far we will be he will find a way to get in touch with me. i know he will but there is this doubt because of what i went through before but im just lifting it all up to HIM. only he knows if he is the right one for me but for now i can say i like him i really do but not more than that as a friend really because...maybe when he finailly comes over and i mean him face to face then maybe i will know but for now i really miss talking to him alot. he is fun too talk with. okie i think i better stop really head is hurting somuch now.....besides i promise Gerald that i will sleep early today. he called just now and when i told him i was not feeling okie he told me i must sleep early ....hehehe i know its late now and plus my head hurts a lot. im so "pasaway" talaga sorry po....okie i think i better go now my head is hurting again eh...im actually talking to Marwin (my bestfren) now. he and i are just talking about the good old times hahaha stuff like before and to russell(old crush) matter hahaha okie im going now...till next blog..ouch! my head really hurts alot....i wish he is here with me...i really do......wish we could still......but....ya....

About Madina Lake:

Madina lake is a quiet sleepy lakeside town perched in the valley of its guardian mountains. Set in the 50's, the town is lost and isolated from the rest of the world. it's a microcosm of a society, enriched with social, political and meta-physical nuances. It's grounds are the setting for many strange occurrances. a place where lies, crimes, and deceit, are buried by its inhabitants. Such a place compels a soundtrack...

http://www.madinalake.com/ ----> official web site

Madina Lake - Here I Stand (Music Video)

Madina Lake -True Love

just this morning i had a long talk of my ex's ex ella. today is her birthday so i greet herand gave my wishes =) even thought she has once hurt me with her harsh words i got used to it. there are times when i believe everything she said but there are other times i just didnt really listen to her. but she is a friend but not close that is. i dont wish to be plastice about it. i knew what she said and how L insisted that she wont do such things...but that is past im over that... while i was chatting with her, i asked her since she knows L more than me should i give up or hold on? she said i should give up. actually, when she said that i felt my whole body just froze for how long i just dont know but the next thing i know i was answering "ya..." i want to talk to him but clearly the guy wont speak to me so i know what his answer is really. its okie. i know i should have done this a long time ago but my heart was just so stubborn talaga it still wants to hold on to it even if its really useless na...im so foolish really to actually believe that in the end it will be all better but in reality such things never happen. i just read too much of make believe that i made myself hope for something clearly it just cant be really so why force it when someone out there loves you too....ya i guess i should let myself be open to other people who will love me... anyways back to the chat that we had awhile ago.. she said what if she and lorenz gets back together again what would i feel and what would i do... i told what else can i do i mean he made his choose and he chose her....its understandable too she was his first love and im just the second one so of cuz he will choose her over me. i told her that and i said i will be sad but what else can i really do. if thats where he will be happy so be it..... then i asked her will she give what she has now she said no. but maybe if she has no child maybe...it clearly says alot that she, herself still loves L. Both of them love each other gosh i felt i was just the one stopping them before...i mean if i didnt come into the picture maybe just maybe they might actually end up together again.....what a fuck! i was played a fool talaga!!

but seriously what else can i really do....i know i cant make him i dont own him and i dnt own his heart from the start i guess but through it all it was the most wonderful feeling and i know no matter what i try to forget everything i just cnt because i know he will always be part of me..all that love and the moments i shared with him has finally come to an end like a story book i have come to the end of the cover. i wish i can return to the first page but it will never be the same because what is done can not be undone.....even if i still want too....

these two questions keeps hunting me because i know my heart wants to wait for him but my mind says just "GO!" i always hear the people around me telling me that if he really does love you he will do something..or some will say he is not worth all these and he does not deserve someone like you...he does not deserve your tears like this...but why is it even though it all makes sense but my stubborn heart just wont give up...am i really so stupid to actually believe that he will just come up to me and say that he cant live with me in his life...somehow that scenario does not seem or less likely might happen....i mean come on lets get this fact out the guy has MOVED ON...clearly that's what he has chosen to do for that i hate him so much without even thinking how i might feel esply since something did happen between us. I just wish he could be more responsible about it i mean he knows clearly that he was my first in everything but.....hay....one friend of mine said to me maybe we were just not meant to be....i guess we weren't after all.....to be honest, my heart just refuse to listen to it...i really have one stubborn heart talaga! hay..... but maybe it will get tired someday...i pray........i know he is going through a lot im not blind but i just hope this time he understand the real reason.....like i told him before i never wanted this to happen but he keeps thinking that its all my fault...i know im not perfect come on! i, myself, don't even like myself sometimes but i learn to change slowly and people accpet me for me bt sadly he didnt....i remember he once told me that its always about me me me me... but has he actually look at his own...okie enough with the whole blaming...the guy was not all that bad.. he was after all my first love and no matter what i do i know he will always be part of my life even if it hurts a lot.....maybe now he has found or maybe not or maybe that "extra" girl has finally thought of a way to get him at last who knows......if that what makes him happy.....i cant say any more...i know i will be hurt for sure because so fast and i gave so much plus i have the only thing that i know i cant take back...you know there are times when i wake up every morning after my morning prayer i would just break down in tears why beacuse i miss him a lot and i hate how he handle everything between us...how he didnt even thought how i would feel after all this. I know im stronger than this i know i am but why is it i just cant be happy again....no! i will be happy but i lose something the one thing that i wish i shared it with my true love...... i really thought that he was the one but i guess i was wrong.....as a result i feel so bad inside so dirty so cheap......i know its my fault too because i let myself be carry away with what i felt and i trusted him that everything that he said is true esply what he feelings were but i guess i was just so foolish to believe that forever and everlasting love was for me then....i believed too much... i wonder was everything that happen really the truth or was i just dreaming a really bad dream and that we are still actually together and those people who are trying to break us up can never do it because we are meant to be....

but you know i know this is the truth that its over and we are now living separate lives now.... would it kill if i say i miss him so much even if he does not anymore.......

i was just looking around the internet and i came across this.

by Stacy Gilliam, for AOL Personals

Relationships are a bit like cars. Every so often you get one that stalls on you, leaving you to make the fateful decision: With just a little more tender loving care, can I turn this baby around and keep chugging? Or am I behind the wheel of a clunker whose expiration date is up?

Similarly, knowing when to move on in a relationship is never an easy choice, especially when a couple seems to be putt-putting along to nowhere. But something is making you ask the question. And you know what? That's worth exploring.

In fact, Dr. Jeanette Witter, a clinical psychologist, suggests that to get to your answer, keep the questions coming. Ponder these:

-- Understand the ambivalence. Do you or does he have a history of failed relationships? Are her parents or many other family members divorced or single? "I have clients who have never seen a successful relationship," says Witter, who has a private practice in Silver Spring, Md. "If you come from a family system where it's just the opposite, you'll have a different tolerance for risk." Find out what "relationship" means to this person.

-- Find the proof. You have to ask: Are my needs being met? If it's yes, then what evidence supports your belief? Is their behavior consistent with what they say? You're talking marriage and kids, but he's not entertaining it much. What's the evidence you have that things will progress? "You can't keep doing the same thing, and expecting a different outcome."

-- Look in the mirror. What are you seeking? Are my expectations appropriate to where we are? Are your expectations realistic? Are you in a relationship with someone who can give you want you want? Or, are you trying to force him to that place? Conversely, can you give your partner what they want and feel good about it?

-- Consider the timing. Are you at the same place emotionally? "You may love each other, but you're at two different places developmentally," she says. Maybe he's still trying to hang with his buddies, and you're ready to settle down and have children. He's not ready to let his single life go, but you are.

-- Get a hold on emotional games. Are you involved with someone who is controlling you through his behavior? In other words, he/she promises you just enough to keep you. "When things settle down, and they pull back again, it's about controlling you and controlling access to you," Witter says.

You might be thinking, if all these questions are necessary, shouldn't I be packing my bags anyway? Our expert says it's OK to take stock of what you have.

"People aren't mind readers," Witter says. "Clarifying where you are is an important part of growing in a relationship."

But there's a caveat to asking all these questions, she says.

"You have to be able to face the answers, hear what the person says, and try not to be defensive about it. And be as honest as possible about what you express to the other person."

Stacy Gilliam is an award-winning freelance journalist living, working and loving in Washington, D.C.

WOW!!!

Taken from the Yahoo sports news

BEIJING – He arrived here at this massive blue cube in the Far East with the goals that couldn’t have been bigger and margins for error that couldn’t have been smaller.

It was eight events, eight golds – all or nothing for Michael Phelps. In a perfect storm of athletic brilliance, otherworldly hype and a 17-swim, nine-day marathon of competition, Michael Phelps put together the most incredible Olympics ever.

On Sunday morning here, his powerful butterfly gave the Americans the lead in the 400-meter medley relay. Phelps then watched teammate Jason Lezak bring it home to give him a perfect eight-for-eight Beijing Games, surpassing Mark Spitz for most golds in one Olympics and doing what many thought was impossible.

“When someone says you can’t do something, it shows that anything is possible,” Phelps said. “When you put your mind to a certain thing, it can happen. The biggest thing is nothing is impossible. All it takes is an imagination.”

Over the last two weekends Phelps has changed the face of swimming. NBC ratings surged with his nightly heroics, fans flocked to all coverage of the sport and an athlete in a pool – not on a track, a balance beam or a basketball court – became the face of these games.

You didn’t need to even know how to swim to appreciate the greatness of Michael Phelps.

On Saturday night back in America, the Baltimore Ravens, Phelps’ hometown team, showed his eighth gold medal race on the stadium Jumbotron. It wasn’t simply something cool to do; it was born out of fear that fans would have left early or not shown up at all if the team didn’t.

Swimming in an NFL stadium?

“My big goal is to change the sport of swimming,” Phelps said.

Phelps is always looking for bigger and better goals, which is why embracing the eight golds here was so appealing to him. Athletically, he probably can’t do more. Phelps not only won them all but he was also a part of seven world records in the process.

Spitz’s mark stood 36 years and, considering the increased world competition in the sport, was considered unsurpassable until Phelps came along with a wing span three inches longer than his 6-foot-5 body.

“I really wanted to do something that no one’s ever done before in this sport,” Phelps said.

“The term ‘Spitzian feat’ may be outdated,” teammate Aaron Peirsol said. “It may now be ‘Phelpsian feat.’ ”

Phelps would make no such bold comment. Even as Spitz had taken some shots at him from afar and other swimmers had tried to get in his head with some comments, he carried himself with class and dignity.

If anything, he just wouldn’t lose his concentration. It wasn’t just his power and speed that made this happen, it was mental focus.

He didn’t just have to come to the pool each morning and swim faster than the rest of the world. He had to take the day-in, day-out grind of the competition. These nine days seemed endless, one more challenge after the other, no room for the slightest of slip-ups.

Meanwhile, everyone else ganged up on him. They all wanted to be the one to defeat Michael Phelps, so they geared up in their individual specialties, giving them their best for one day and then letting someone else take a shot at him the next.

“Everyone on the planet is trying to make him work, giving him obstacles,” said Milorad Cavic, the Californian who swam for Serbia.

Cavic came closest to defeating him, losing by one hundredth of a second in the 100-meter butterfly and forcing Phelps to make a dramatic and truly most last second of comebacks.

“It’s been nothing but an upward rollercoaster,” Phelps said. “It’s been nothing but fun.”

Michael Phelps of the United States goes to hug his mother Debbie, left, after the medal ceremony for men's 4x100-meter medley relay final during the swimming competitions in the National Aquatics Center at the Beijing 2008 Olympics in Beijing, Sunday, Aug. 17, 2008.

Michael Phelps of the United S…
AP - Aug 17, 12:31 am EDT

The truth was Phelps couldn’t lose here. He simply wouldn’t lose here.

Couple that duel with Cavic and the wild comeback in the 4x100 free relay, and Phelps didn’t just smash records and cruise to gold, he turned swimming into an edge-of-your-seat, must-watch event.

“The whole things, every race, one after the other from winning by one-hundredth of a second (Saturday) to finishing it off with a world record, it’s the most amazing experience and something I’ll have forever,” Phelps said.

Whether swimming really changes or not isn’t the issue. It was Phelps’ individual genius that was on display here, putting him in the discussion as the greatest Olympian of all time even as his career still has at least one more games to go.

When it’s all said and done, he could wind up with 20 gold medals in his career, a haul almost too big to comprehend.

That’s Phelps, though, always looking for more, always wondering what else could be accomplished.

By the time Lezak touched the pad here Sunday, the impossible had become possible. Phelps challenged the world, carried the weight of it on his shoulders and now, at last, Spitz’s gold standard was gone.

Victory and history in Beijing.

“I’m at a loss for words,” Phelps said.

They gave him another medal, cranked up a final “Star-Spangled Banner” and as he looked over at his mother and sisters in the crowd he finally did something new.

He broke down and cried.

**** simply amazing indeed =) way the go! lesson here guys: AnyThing is PoSsible as long as you believe =)

i did what i had to do i guess....thought its hurting me inside by doing it but i have to do it because i want to smile again and be myself again. its his lost not mine he was the one who gave up not me. i tried God knows how much i tried to make it work but he just gave it up without even trying anything.....how could he be this cruel? so heartless?....he thinks that everything is all okie because he didnt lose anything but I DID! you said you are not like any other guys but right now you asshole you just prove yourself that you are dumb shit!! you think you have problems ya ya like a baby boy always yawning but have you ever thought that maybe you just need to grow up be look at it everything that has come pass you as a challneage instead of problem! I know you are do it but why dont you believe it yourself? you told me once you didnt ask me to call or text you everyday ya i know that but i was doing it because i was ASURRING you that i just here every step of the way but Fuck! you never see it this way. All i ever did was support u all the way and love as much as i can give...i gave you all that i have now even my whole heart but what did you do?! You think is that easy to say all that you said before....you think is that easy to forget everything ha?! maybe why you can say all this is because you have someone there now and had moved on...let ask you this now... NOW THAT YOU GOT WHAT WANT FROM ME WHO ELSE ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL NOW JUST TO SATISFY YOUR OWN SELFISH NEEDS?!

i just cant believe you did this to me. i never played a fool with other people i remind faithful till the end but why cant you let us try it again...you are so unfair so heartless....i was left with nothing when i thought you were my everything......but why is it that i still love you now even if you have hurt me this much.....

just finished my psychology test just awhile ago. it was really scary but boy! was i shock with the questions she gave though but after all that done she told me i PASSED! yahooo!!! hehehehe i was happy but the weird part was that i wished i could tell him...when i heard from my teacher i passed i wanted he would pop up like before...but sadly, i know it wouldn't happen again. he has moved on and he has long forgotten about me.....hay......ahhh! i dont want to think of him anymore...why should i be? heck! because i love him still....but i know soon i will forget about him this is what he wants i guess he was not the one for me...i guess..forget it! i odnt want to talk about him anymore its just crazy and its worthless =( he never love me as what he promised before.....i do hate him and i hate what he desided to do without thinking how i would feel... okie lets change the topic now things at home has been crazy. i cant wait for saturday to come this coming saturday because we will be going to the (PA) Prayer Asseembly for the CFC here in Cebu. Finally, we will meet the CFC community here. I told this to ate Joanne and she told me that there are alot of cute guys daw here espcially since its from the city daw. well, that one thing to look forward too but i was more interested if they have dance group or music group hehehe i just want to know more people =) but i know when i do see the band there i will feel sad becz i will remember him....hay..you know i wishes memories like this can just go away...okie enough of that person. its like im giving too much credit for that person when he didnt even do anything to save the relationship at all. he just it as if he has tried everything to make it work out and hell no! he just......ahhhh! i hate him so much but yet i love him..i guess thats why it hurts a lot because i love him for him and i hate him for not seeing this.....school keeps me busy lately plus the people who became my friends. its weird i met this guy through friendster he is from cebu but i had no idea how he got my email at first becuz the next thing i know he has added me in ym =/ well, i did talk to him. he is around the same age as me. he seems okie and freindly too. i didnt tell him that im in Cebu just yet. i just told him i was in Hongkong but will be coming back to Cebu by this week. i thought if i said earier on that i was in Cebu he might want to meet me...but he doesnot seem to be like that after chatting with him last monday. he was actually funny. he thought i was bisaya but i told him we are but i didnt grew up here so mostly english and maybe tagalog he just laugh. geez! he told i was cute and asked him why he said that. he said through freindster. and i was like" okie..." anyways, he is not the only guy who seems to be giving me such attention. there is ian too and gerald. both in manila but i meet them in different ways of communtion. i met ian on the interenet while i met gerald is throught texting. one pal mate and the other is text mate. both guys are okie and sweet. they always try means and ways to contact me which was so sweet. Ian is mostly i talked with alot esply since that time i was really down other than my family he was there for me. he was always telling me that maybe he and i werent might to be after all and that he is not worth my tears at all. i know he might well but..i dont know...its not that i beleive him compeletly but i know L well enough too so no comment. anyways, since then he has been trying to cheer me up with so many ways. that i think i like him as my friend but more than that not yet im taking everything one step a time. Ian, knows that i still love L but he also know that L does not deserve me. As for Gerald, he is has been really been sweet too. he calls me in the morning and then at night just to say good morning and night then sometimes just to let me know that he misses me..hehe i know sweet right? you know sometimes he would pass me a load too =) then one day, he starts telling me that he is really falling in love with me na that he tells me " i love yous" but whenever he says all that i will just say "thank yous" it seems so early and i dont want to be unfair with him same goes to Ian. both of them became my friends here and i like the friendship that i have with them now. plus i dnt want to rush myself into another relationship becz it wouldnt be fair at all. if ever i do get into another relationship i want to give my whole self not now when im still broken and in the process of healing still. i know i will be okie in God's time and i will find my true love. i thought i found him but i was wrong....he was my first thats why its not that easy but he was not my true love after all....it hurts but life has to go on even if it hurts alot..... i guess i never thought i would be like the song by kelly clarkson. it was the song really meant for me.....i guess thats why i love this song alot because it was actually for me from the start after all...

yup today was suppose to be our 2nd year but its gone now.....its sad really ended how everything ended just like that. he didn't do anything to save it and he......ahhhh....its useless now. whats done is done and it cant never be back...it was lost...it hurts but life has to go on. i know it will take lots of time just like what ate gail ( SFC ate) told me it will take time to forget but i will soon. I must take care of my heart from now on. she told me i have really tried everything to make it work out but he just.....he made his choice....he moved on and i will be too..i know its hard espcially since he was my first love but i will not give up it does not mean its the end of the world. someday i will be happy again someday someone is gonna love me the way i wanted you to want me....i know he is part of my past now. i hate him but i now in my heart i cant forever be mad at him. i know one day he will find someone else or maybe he has found someone now who knows but if he does i have nothing else to do its his life and im no longer part of it. i will cry for sure but not for long this tears of mine will ran dry soon. i know it will be. God is good. I know he is always hugging me espcially during my weak moments in life.. im happy even if the pain is still fresh but it will heal as for him. I pray he is ok and for his family. i will miss him but i will forget him.....i want to...those memories just thinking about them even if they are beautiful memories it also carrys painful truths in them....i wish it was not like this but it did. i was just watching a video in "YOutube" just awhile ago and i came across one of my fav movies of John Lloyd and Bea Alonzo " one more chance" i really love that movie.
I remember i thought i was like Bea but i think i was more like John. I remember crying a lot in that movie because i really felt John's pain and Bea's pain so well but at least in the movie in the end they came back together again but in reality its not like at all. thats why i wish life can be alittle bit like of what we see in the movies but sadly if this does come true we wouldnt learn anything from it. i learn alot.
i have made up my mind. i know it will be long but i will not give up. someday i will be okie and i will love again =) I know im stronger now and im not alone. it still hurts alot but i will be okie. tira tira !!!

i cant wait to see KC Concepcion 's least movie and Vic and Dolpy's new movie too =) plus you know the movie of KC Concepcion is called "For the First time" i love that song alot. it was the song that i once play for him because it says alot of what i felt for the first time when i saw him....i really love this song. i cant wait to see the movie itself too =)

tira tira!!! =D

yesterday will be the last time i will ever contact him. i have blocked him in my YM list and i wanted to delete him in both my friendster and face book list but i just cant...i really feel so sad...but he never see this...how it will hurt me even more but i know i have to do this...i will be over him..i know not now but i know soon i hope....its not easy to forget esply since you gave everything just to make it work but when it comes to him he just gave it up without trying at all thats what even hurts alot...i want to scream so much. i feel my heart is screaming from all the pain and my head is hurting so much but does he know this? no....all i ever did was just love him with all of my heart and my whole self but why cant he see that all that.....i gave up so much for him but he didnt see it and now he is saying all this saying that "i will find someone better.." YES! i will find someone better but....i wanted him...but he does not see this...it hurts so much...

Lorenz, i will forget you all my love for you that you just throw away you just drop without giving it another try only to what hurt me like this...why? what have i ever done to you? all i gave was love, care and faith in you....you let me down so much you didnt even try at all....was i not worth another try?...i fight for it to work out again but what did you do? i tried so many ways to make it work but what about you? did you do anything for this to work out at all?...and now you are saying all this like as if you did everything to make it work when in reality you didnt do anything at all...did you even see my worth at all?...you hurt me so much...for that i will forever hate you.....you never kept your promise....you never....

i thought then that forever was in your arms but i was wrong you didnt even ANYTHING to make it work out for us. i was always the one who was always giving in to your needs while you just stand there like asshole. i thought it can still work out but you didnt do anything to make it work. you didnt even leave a sweat. you cried you said?! heck! you think crying was all it needed in the first place. have you ever thought what i felt how was i doing? im sick so sick that my depression is killing inside but do u care hell no! i dont want to make it this way. i was so hurt by what you are doing but you just take it that its my fault?! are you really so unfeeling by nature? have you ever care for me at all? did you actually love me before or i was just your playing toy that you just fool around with and after getting tired from it you just give up just like that! boy! was i really so stupid to actually believe everything you said all that promises...why? why do you have to do this to me? i never did anything bad to you? i gave you everything you ask me for? i gave my whole heart my whole me but why did you play me like this and the worst part of it you didnt even fight for me. why?....i never betray you i was so faithful to you...

i dont want this anymore...im getting so sick now and my head is getting so painful..you knew that i always have chest pains and headaches that are so painful...im scared that i might actually have a heart attack because its really painful but do u care? was i ever worth anything to you at all? after all i gave you, show you...i did it with my whole heart...i was very true to you but were you to yourself?....im scared of my own health now....you are killing me slowly..why? when all i did was just love you true and pure.........

why is it so hard for people well some people who are far away from each other have so much of troubles once they board a plane or go somewhere off. things go hell wire once someone or something will make that relationship have so many problems. its ether someone cheats or the other way around. then are other reasons like they couldn't take the distance anymore and their mind starts to wonder off or maybe some so called friends would put some spicy stuff like what the guy or the girl might be doing that's why he or she has not been calling or keeping in touch with their love ones. as a result misunderstanding happens. it sad whenever a really good relationship just ends like that because of reasons so silly but people are born stubborn so sometimes we let our pride do the talking when we should actually let ourselves cool down and if possible talk it out.

LDR can actually work out if both parties have a good communicate well and have more faith that relationship they are in..sadly it ended for us....but i wish it did work out..i really did hoped it would be..

That's what i learned in my last relationship with L. i still hope there could be another chance but from the looks of it its impossible. he has moved on and so fast actually then it made me wonder was i so fast to forget just like that...i thought he really loved me thought its not as much i did but i knew he loved me. i felt it in my heart. i didn't want him to go like that but he did and the more painful part was that i was hoping then that we will be back together again but we didn't...so i guess his love was never mine to have.....i gave my all...my all...

maybe this is all meant to be. i wanted to much to at least talk to him in person or at least return whats his. i cant keep it anymore....its like letting of my baby pooh. whenever they played or "hurt" my baby pooh i feel so pain inside. they see this thats why they said i still love him...that baby pooh is all i have left...he took my heart away...i dont blame him i gave it to him whole heartly in the first place...gosh! i hate this. i hate this month so much. esply Aug 8th. its getting so near and i feel so....i cant even put it in words anymore...we could be still be celebrating it together but..okie ya i know i shouldnt be so sad. i tried everything to make work out even though we were miles apart but he didnt even tired anything..ya i know money is a qn i too have money problems but i will always find a way. you know when he said "i didnt ask you to text me everytime..." hearing him say that hurts so much...was i really so foolish to actually believe that he meant everything he said, he promised to me. i thought he will change for me not because i said so but because he wants it for me but it didnt happen that way....i wish Aug 8th does not appear. i wish i am so sick on that day that way i can be in bed for the rest of the week......memories of him haunt me every night every day...i wish i can just forget but how can i when i truly loved him with all my heart and my whole of me. i gave him my 1st time. no one but him but foolish was my heart to actually believe this fool.

maybe if i accept Ian, maybe just maybe i can forget L but wont it be cruel if i do that. Ian, who is one of the guys who are sort of courting me but i just didnt care much because i treat him only as my friend till now...there is also another guy. his name is Gerald. he is really sweet too. he even send a "pass-a-load" to me when i had no load left. both this guys are really sweet but kinda stubborn too and "makulit" but they both seem really serious with me. i dont wish to play them so i told them the truth that i still love my ex but sadly he doesnt not. they asked me what happen. i just told him. he just let me go. Ian, actually kept on asking why but i just said whats past is past. he was my greatest and first love. sometimes i wish i could forget him but i know in my heart i just cant after all we went through together and what we shared together. nothing can replace that time. i wanted it to happen and i wanted it to be with him but i guess i was wrong.....he played me hard and he fooled me with promises only to be broken like that...i never cried like that never...on that day i cried i knew then i was broken...Both guys wanted to hug me. they said why would a guy do something like that to you when you gave so much to him...he didnt even noticed it. i just cried when Gerald said that to me. I just said everything happen for a reason. im still thinking if i should accept Ian or Gerald to be my boyfriend. its not that im looking for one right now but maybe as i look at things now...maybe i should let him try...but i wnt answer him yet not yet when my bro goes back and returns what belongs to L maybe just maybe i will accept him...you know i actually wished i cld spend my bday with L so much last year i was waiting for it. i thought after our 2nd year on Aug 8th. on sept 14, L's bday i will cook something really very special then on my bday we will go to Loas since i never went there before and i want to go there with him alone hehe i know its not Paris but it will be like "honeymoon" but without that whatever it is you might think..what i want was just want to be alone with him.we will talk about so many things like we always do. debets over something. i just wanted to be with him. i was saving for it thats why i never ate or whenever i have extra allowance that time i will really save plus the money we saved together it was so good enough but.....it will never be..he will go there maybe when he has found someone or when he has time....time and money...my biggest enemies or rival of him...but he never did saw what i did all those stuff those little surprise visit of me at his place esply when he was sick....i took so many risks just to be with him but he just didnt see it....instead he says its my fault these happened.... LET ME REMIND YOU SOMETHING AFTER I SAID THE "B" WORD I NEVER NEVER MEANT IT BUT INSTEAD OF YOU WORKING FOR IT YOU JUST LET ME GO JUST LIKE THAT YOU DIDNT EVEN SWEAT! ARE YOU REALLY A MAN OR JUST A BOY?!..... where was your promise of love promise of togetherness the promise of forever..i hate this month i wish i can fall a sleep and only wake up when this month is over....

i just heard my brother will be going back to chaing mai and i wont be able to go....maybe it was best i guess. i just thought maybe i could see him or talk about it but i guess they just wont allow me me because they are worry i will just be so hurt if i see him with someone else...how ironic indeed just awhile ago he was online for awhile i tried not to talk much but my own hands betray me. why is it seem so easy for him to just forget everything while so hard for me or is it?..i really felt so mixed up inside. you know what that fella is so relax? my gosh! he really....i want to....nah! forget it! i dont want to be mad at someone who is as asshole like him...but why is it i feel it was still worth all my tears i cried and still do....even if my mind is saying fool forget it him but my heart is saying hold on....why am i so hopelessly in love with you when clearly you dont anymore......i hate you why you made me love you this much only to break and made a fool out of my heart like this..how could you be so cruel.....

i was so wonderful to hear from you guys my friends for many years now and even those who once i had a relationship before. i know things happen for a reason. but at least im happy it happen all that bad and good stuff because i did learn something every time. i know for my last relationship was the most hardest and painful experience...sometimes i can just forget the pain and just moved on with my life i mean whats the used now rite? there is no point into holding on something when clearly it has let me go....hay..gosh! i don't want to think about it anymore. i know it will heal and maybe in HIS time i will mean the true right one for me. I just have to wait and just do what im doing now. For myself and my family for my future. i still want to have my own family like my family. together and happy even if we dont have much as long as we have our strong faith in our God i know nothing is impossible. it was so nice to see Marwin even though through msn lang but at least i was able to see his face and he saw me and joy too. gosh! he changed! hehehe he said that same thing to me. he said i still loook the same but more adoroble...i reacted on it! i mean come on that meant i look like a kid eh! so i dont him and as always he laughed! hehehe marwin has not changed too. he said i looked so beautiful now and "poor him" was what he said. i just smile. thanks best! marwin knew i broke up with my ex but i didnt really tell him the whole story because i thought maybe u dont have to repeatly say it over and over again so i just told him. he made up his mind thats all. marwin will be telling that i shouldnt bother about him anymore. he is not worth my tears. but i just said. he was worth it....then he said i was still the same gentle jovi that he knew before. i just smiled. i know marwin is just worry for me because he knew me well enough like my family. My friends like abert and roanne said the samething too. they didnt really know the whole story but they were surprise when they heard it happened. they called and each of them heard my voiced..they got worried of cuz esply roanne.she told me i shouldnt worry so much i will find someone better. ya maybe i will but it was such a pity it ended without even trying to work it out again. i thought it was worth it but i guess not. it was so funny when marwin saw joy though. he said joy looked fat! hahaha joy got angry but she knew marwin was just joking with her lolx they look so cute. it was like old times. then marwin's family slowly started showing up in the webcam heheehe they were saying joy looked much better before lolx...it was so funny talaga.. =) marwin just got back from his NS training in Taiwan. so i asked him if he got me anything he just said he bought snacks only lolx. that guy will really go fat well maybe after his training haha. i really missed a lot =) then when i told him that we will be joining my dad in China soon because he promised me that after his training he will visit me daw here so i told him we wnt stay here because my dad is already there and we are just waiting for a place to stay at over there. so when i told him that he said he will visit me in China na lang daw and he is sure na daw dis time round because on Oct his training will be over so he has a break that means he can go out of the country =) i cant wait yahoo! you know he actually promised me he will sing a song for my birthday but i just have no idea where he will put it. i told youtube. he just said " you will just see.." what?! but okie i will just wait for it. then my ex bf before in sg,Kelvin. i heard he and his gf are 4 yrs now. im so happy for him really. he was telling me that his gf's family doesnt really him but i told dnt worry. they will see your worth someday just keep on working on it and start saving for his wedding. yupz! he will get hitch very soon =) i asked a qn that time when he saw me for the first time what did he think of me. he said "beautiful.." i blush. its a good thing he couldnt see me that time we chatted. i cant believe he still remeber me. i mean he even remember 8 years ago. i told him i was sorry for what happen that time. he said its okie. he said he is happy at least he has me as his friend still. i was really glad too =)

i know things between me and L will not be the same anymore or maybe become friends but im still praying for his family and all his petitions for his life. i know he will be alright and all what is he is going through will be over. he will be okie because God is working on him now. i know i have no right to worry or maybe care for him...but..never mind...its no use bringing up something which will only bring tears....

i cant believe i end up watching "the mummy" instead of "a very special love" i cant believe i was this close but sadly so far...there was such a long line for that movie "a very special love" compare to "the mummy" that we have to watch that instead. The whole movie was not that bad Jet Li is a very good actor and villain but i was looking forward to watching Sarah and John lloyd's new movie. I guess i will just buy the VCD of it that way i can watch him over and over again hehehe he is so dreamy talaga..well ya now back home with my cousin and his gf. soon they will be married =) i wish i can be one too but i dont think not that soon i must find someone who will marry me first haha nah! i know i will find him or he will find me. i might have gone through so much lately and honestly, not compeletly heal but i know God is good he is working on me right now =) its not easy to forget honestly but i know i wnt be able after all that. i gave my all my whole heart, my whole self which i never gave before honestly but whats done is done. he made his choice and i made mine. eventhough, i was not one of it but i wish him well. my last post i was really taken aback by what i was when i log in my multply account and saw that his stautes has changed. like i said i felt a twist so painful that reality is so hard to accept but its there right at my face that its over. its really over.... you know i cant help but feel so used after it though because of something i gave it eventhought i was not force to it but i thought it might at least something but sadly it didnt afterall...i guess thats what hurts the most because it was my first time and i believed in forever so much but

foolishly i was fooled by my own heart....its too late for regets because whats done is done right? i just wish he condern that part what happen between of us. i just wish he did....

i cant believe i would feel that way seeing that you have change that statues in your multiply account...i guess it should be like that..but i cant help but feel that my heart twist with pain after seeing it but i know it will be gone..i know it will be.....what we once had before was only part of that past not anymore welcome in the present or even future....you have really moved on and that forever you once said was nothing but a piece of word used..it meant nothing...i was nothing......ha! what a asshole you really were? why did i let my heart fall for someone as ungrateful as you?! well, you have already got what you wanted from me and that ends it. you dont know how to love?! i pity you! gosh! i feel so mad pero why should i be? you are a nobody to me now?! you choose it this way and you get it! i wish i can bewish u happiness but i think not...you dont deserve it! what you know is making promises you cant never keep! you are no MAN but a small boy who cant even stand for his own life and what he wants. how sad you are indeed how sad....i fall for some like you...so fool i was indeed...

A Very Special Love is a 2008 romantic-comedy film featuring the first team-up of Sarah Geronimo and John Lloyd Cruz on the big screen.

Plot

Laida is a modern-day Belle. She works hard to provide for her family while believing that someday she will meet her prince charming and they will live happily ever after together. That prince charming is none other than Miggy Montenegro, the youngest of the Montenegro clan—a well established family in the business world. Laida dreams of meeting Miggy every day and every night. These dreams lead her to apply as an Editorial Assistant at Miggy’s newly established men’s magazine Bachelor despite it being a long shot, hoping that working in the company will allow her to be close to the man who invades her dreams every night.

By some sort of luck, Laida lands the job. Overwhelmed by the being in the presence of her crush, and by her instant employment, Laida remains blind to the fact that the Miggy she dreams of is very different from the real one. Miggy in person is a hothead who thinks he’s always right. The word “sorry” doesn’t mean anything to him. Everyone is scared of him, except Laida, who is always ready to defend her dream man. Blindly she caters to his whim, even when he sent her to be his proxy on his date with his girlfriend, breaking her heart a little. Her co-workers question her unrelenting dedication to such a monster but when Laida proves quite loyal to the man, gossip about Laida’s feelings for their boss starts to circulate. Laida, to defend herself, unwittingly reveals information about Miggy’s personal life which earns her his ire. Being shouted at for the first time by the man she dreams of opens Laida’s eyes to reality. And her awakening in turn leads to Miggy’s rude awakening of why people do not like him.

No one has ever talked back to Miggy before. No one dared tell him their opinions and or suggestions. Miggy was always right and that’s how he likes it. But when Laida, a simpleton who just follows his every command tells him to his face that he is wrong, Miggy begins to wonder if the reason for his failures could actually be him. For the first time Miggy apologizes. And this opens the door to a whole new world of a lot of “firsts” for Miggy. With the help of Laida, Miggy slowly learns to be a teamplayer. With the help of Laida, Miggy slowly learns the value of loyalty.

But Miggy’s conflict with his siblings keeps pulling Miggy back to his old ways, and not even Laida’s presence in his life can clear the shadow casted on him by his family. Laida does everything she knows just to help Miggy at the expense of time with her family. As Laida and Miggy’s fight to save the magazine become more intense, so is their fight to keep their intentions and emotions at bay. Will Laida and Miggy ever figure out the right combination to solve their problems in business and in their personal lives? Or will their mismatching personalities, despite their common interest and goal keep them from ever figuring out their perfect pair?

*** i wish you were here =(

MOSCOW - Visitors flocked to witness a total eclipse of the sun in Siberia on Friday, a surge in tourists that prompted astronomical hotel prices in the remote region, Russian media reported.

Over 10,000 visitors -- including many foreign "eclipse chasers" -- came to the Siberian city of Novosibirsk, NTV television reported.

The local daily Vecherny Novosibirsk put the number at 15,000 and said it was a local record.

All of Novosibirsk's 2,000 hotel rooms were booked -- the last ones were snapped up months in advance despite being "more expensive than rooms in five-star hotels in Europe," the newspaper said.

Television channels showed people gazing at the eclipse in city parks, some using special visors to prevent eye damage.

Novosibirsk was the largest major city along the path of the total eclipse, which could also be seen in northern Canada, Mongolia and China.

More than 1,000 visitors went to the remote north Siberian town of Nadym, the place where the eclipse lasted the longest, located just below the Arctic Circle, the Interfax news agency reported.

In Moscow small groups of workers gathered on pavements to watch the partial eclipse that was just visible in the capital, obscured by clouds hanging over the city.

Meanwhile the military's Space Force, responsible for military satellites, and the Strategic Rocket Force, responsible for Russia's vast nuclear arsenal, offered reassurance that the eclipse could not disrupt their systems.

"Neither solar or lunar eclipses, nor periodic geomagnetic radiation causing sun spots, affect the working of the control systems of strategic missiles," Alexander Vovk, a spokesman for the strategic missile force told Interfax.

****i wish i could see it or saw it with someone very special it will be so romatic... i wish =)