maybe this is all meant to be. i wanted to much to at least talk to him in person or at least return whats his. i cant keep it anymore....its like letting of my baby pooh. whenever they played or "hurt" my baby pooh i feel so pain inside. they see this thats why they said i still love him...that baby pooh is all i have left...he took my heart away...i dont blame him i gave it to him whole heartly in the first place...gosh! i hate this. i hate this month so much. esply Aug 8th. its getting so near and i feel so....i cant even put it in words anymore...we could be still be celebrating it together but..okie ya i know i shouldnt be so sad. i tried everything to make work out even though we were miles apart but he didnt even tired anything..ya i know money is a qn i too have money problems but i will always find a way. you know when he said "i didnt ask you to text me everytime..." hearing him say that hurts so much...was i really so foolish to actually believe that he meant everything he said, he promised to me. i thought he will change for me not because i said so but because he wants it for me but it didnt happen that way....i wish Aug 8th does not appear. i wish i am so sick on that day that way i can be in bed for the rest of the week......memories of him haunt me every night every day...i wish i can just forget but how can i when i truly loved him with all my heart and my whole of me. i gave him my 1st time. no one but him but foolish was my heart to actually believe this fool.
maybe if i accept Ian, maybe just maybe i can forget L but wont it be cruel if i do that. Ian, who is one of the guys who are sort of courting me but i just didnt care much because i treat him only as my friend till now...there is also another guy. his name is Gerald. he is really sweet too. he even send a "pass-a-load" to me when i had no load left. both this guys are really sweet but kinda stubborn too and "makulit" but they both seem really serious with me. i dont wish to play them so i told them the truth that i still love my ex but sadly he doesnt not. they asked me what happen. i just told him. he just let me go. Ian, actually kept on asking why but i just said whats past is past. he was my greatest and first love. sometimes i wish i could forget him but i know in my heart i just cant after all we went through together and what we shared together. nothing can replace that time. i wanted it to happen and i wanted it to be with him but i guess i was wrong.....he played me hard and he fooled me with promises only to be broken like that...i never cried like that never...on that day i cried i knew then i was broken...Both guys wanted to hug me. they said why would a guy do something like that to you when you gave so much to him...he didnt even noticed it. i just cried when Gerald said that to me. I just said everything happen for a reason. im still thinking if i should accept Ian or Gerald to be my boyfriend. its not that im looking for one right now but maybe as i look at things now...maybe i should let him try...but i wnt answer him yet not yet when my bro goes back and returns what belongs to L maybe just maybe i will accept him...you know i actually wished i cld spend my bday with L so much last year i was waiting for it. i thought after our 2nd year on Aug 8th. on sept 14, L's bday i will cook something really very special then on my bday we will go to Loas since i never went there before and i want to go there with him alone hehe i know its not Paris but it will be like "honeymoon" but without that whatever it is you might think..what i want was just want to be alone with him.we will talk about so many things like we always do. debets over something. i just wanted to be with him. i was saving for it thats why i never ate or whenever i have extra allowance that time i will really save plus the money we saved together it was so good enough but.....it will never be..he will go there maybe when he has found someone or when he has time....time and money...my biggest enemies or rival of him...but he never did saw what i did all those stuff those little surprise visit of me at his place esply when he was sick....i took so many risks just to be with him but he just didnt see it....instead he says its my fault these happened.... LET ME REMIND YOU SOMETHING AFTER I SAID THE "B" WORD I NEVER NEVER MEANT IT BUT INSTEAD OF YOU WORKING FOR IT YOU JUST LET ME GO JUST LIKE THAT YOU DIDNT EVEN SWEAT! ARE YOU REALLY A MAN OR JUST A BOY?!..... where was your promise of love promise of togetherness the promise of forever..i hate this month i wish i can fall a sleep and only wake up when this month is over....