by Stacy Gilliam, for AOL Personals
Relationships are a bit like cars. Every so often you get one that stalls on you, leaving you to make the fateful decision: With just a little more tender loving care, can I turn this baby around and keep chugging? Or am I behind the wheel of a clunker whose expiration date is up?Similarly, knowing when to move on in a relationship is never an easy choice, especially when a couple seems to be putt-putting along to nowhere. But something is making you ask the question. And you know what? That's worth exploring.
In fact, Dr. Jeanette Witter, a clinical psychologist, suggests that to get to your answer, keep the questions coming. Ponder these:
-- Understand the ambivalence. Do you or does he have a history of failed relationships? Are her parents or many other family members divorced or single? "I have clients who have never seen a successful relationship," says Witter, who has a private practice in Silver Spring, Md. "If you come from a family system where it's just the opposite, you'll have a different tolerance for risk." Find out what "relationship" means to this person.
-- Find the proof. You have to ask: Are my needs being met? If it's yes, then what evidence supports your belief? Is their behavior consistent with what they say? You're talking marriage and kids, but he's not entertaining it much. What's the evidence you have that things will progress? "You can't keep doing the same thing, and expecting a different outcome."
-- Look in the mirror. What are you seeking? Are my expectations appropriate to where we are? Are your expectations realistic? Are you in a relationship with someone who can give you want you want? Or, are you trying to force him to that place? Conversely, can you give your partner what they want and feel good about it?
-- Consider the timing. Are you at the same place emotionally? "You may love each other, but you're at two different places developmentally," she says. Maybe he's still trying to hang with his buddies, and you're ready to settle down and have children. He's not ready to let his single life go, but you are.
-- Get a hold on emotional games. Are you involved with someone who is controlling you through his behavior? In other words, he/she promises you just enough to keep you. "When things settle down, and they pull back again, it's about controlling you and controlling access to you," Witter says.
You might be thinking, if all these questions are necessary, shouldn't I be packing my bags anyway? Our expert says it's OK to take stock of what you have.
"People aren't mind readers," Witter says. "Clarifying where you are is an important part of growing in a relationship."
But there's a caveat to asking all these questions, she says.
"You have to be able to face the answers, hear what the person says, and try not to be defensive about it. And be as honest as possible about what you express to the other person."
Stacy Gilliam is an award-winning freelance journalist living, working and loving in Washington, D.C.