i cant believe its ending and its almost Xmas..i think this year has been a stepping stone for me. its still hard sometimes because the memories of the forgotten just wont go away like some fly that is buzzing upon a dish on the table but i think I'm getting there. But its funny how people who you are trying to forget seems to be "showing up" by the similarities it actually have. i noticed it but i just simply smile..what else can i do? when i know its not "he"..dreaming has been but my best Friend and enemy these past few days...i dreamt of him not that much anymore...i guess i am improving i pray..but other times these dreams seems to real to handle...that's why when i wake up from it i would feel my eyes wet from the tears i shed from the dream..i just pray that on my up coming birthday it will be something different...honestly, i don't care if i would spend my birthday in Singapore, China, Hong KOng or the Philippines..i just wish my family and my friends would be there to celebrate it with me and wishing that my prayers could be answer someday..i don't want to fall in love because of what my peers thinks or say but i pray that i would fall for the right guy who God really has set for me. In his time so till then i will love what i have now and the memories, not the sad ones but the ones that made me smile alot....God is good i know in my heart everything will be okie if one day i would have to go somewhere..i know i wouldn't be alone...as for love.....honestly, it wouldn't be that easy especially what happen but i want it try again..what can i say? I'm addictive to LOVE =) and be love in return more than i do..its not too much to ask actually. Someone once asked me why don't you compose a song for him? it was during that time when the "storm" was not upon us. i did thought of it and actually i did wrote one but i was afraid to show it to him so in the end it never get through. anyway, i know he is more inspire to the one he is with now. I'm happy for him. maybe this song i once wrote will one day be heard by the right person and at the right time......you know sometimes i find myself such a bluff..whenever i say something i think to myself,"do i really?" i doubt what I'm typing or even saying. but then i though to myself by pretending that i am or saying that i am maybe just maybe i might be in the end..sounds ironic? it does but sometimes if you are too honest with yourself it just wont move on or go forward like what you are suppose to be. Strong they i was but i was never one..I'm as weak as a meek person could be but my heart and mind and faith are strong. God has been my strong hold in everything that i went through and still going through. i am who i am because of the unconditionally love HE brings to me even though i sin so much...i cry so much..I'm such a cry baby... what happen to me is something i cant deny or just pretend didn't happen. it happen so live with it but don't focus on it ( like what my sister said) life is still moving on. it doesn't stop because of what happen it kept on moving. therefore, i should too. even if it hurts because it will heal as time pass. besides, i have to be responsible to the actions i did even if the guy...chose to run away from it..i will stay not for his part but because i chose it too. i know people might think less of me after this but it might sound silly now but during those time i gave it whole heartily because i truly love him..stupid right? yea...i know...that's why i think there will always be something that God will make you learn the HARD way...but if you take it in the positive side God was making me stronger and he made me see how it to really love someone unconditionally....that's why i say i am happy for him even if we are no longer friends..i will not forget him i just cant i guess..God is cruel sometimes i think....someday i pray...i will be too...someday...